Welcome to USAF Aircraft Maintenance (MX)
What do you do when your job just isn't cutting it?
I don't mean financially (although a pay raise wouldn't be a bad thing) but what happens when that sense of fulfillment you used to experience, the fun, the excitement, the feeling that what you're doing actually matters, what happens when that all disappears like a lost tool at turnover?
I've been in the air force for almost 18 years. 18 years of Aircraft MX, I've traveled the world, to an extent; and no matter what, no matter how annoying the job, I still woke up relieved that I a) had a job, and b) took pride in the uniform that I wore and c) truly enjoyed my job. Yet, somewhere in the last two years, that pride seems to have disappeared.
Instead it's been replaced by an almost vehement bile. An acidic feeling of pure annoyance that's permeated almost every sense of my life both on and off duty. I see it in the mirror when I wake up, I feel it in my chest when I lay down at night, it's given me anxiety attacks where I never used to get them.
You know that inner voice you hear when you pass a really bad car crash and you twist your neck to see what happened while silently mouthing "What the fuuuuuck is that?"
That question? that's daily.
There have been times where I've questioned that despite being this close to retirement, despite being this close to a lifetime pension from the government; I find myself questioning if it's really worth it, is it really worth this mind numbing, face-grinding-against-the-asphalt bullshit.
Can I really tolerate another 2 years at minimum?
Assuming I don't get an assignment somewhere else and that I separate at exactly 20 years, of which I've never planned on doing te answer is I don’t know. Get this, In a recent meeting about our annoyance with the way things are managed, a legitimate fix presented to us was "If you don’t like it, just put in for orders somewhere else...
Let that sink in... they don't believe it can be fixed it so their answer is to just leave it for the next person to deal with? Someone please, please, please tell me how that's Innovative. Get the fuck out of here.
Here I sit, questioning daily; can I really tolerate more leadership that refuses to acknowledge we have a manning problem? that's kept us on perpetual 12 hour shifts for the last 3(ish) years and shuffled our schedules around weekly? Can I really tolerate another 2 years of having my career of specific aircraft system experience questioned by officers who've been in 15+ years less than me but think they're being innovative because they're questioning the way we do things and graduated the academy? Can I really tolerate having to fight for a parking spot (in a work truck) at our nearest hangar because office workers use them for convenience?
Honestly? I don't know.
I recognize the folly of leaving service (my contract is up this year) so close to retirement eligibility. Doing so would literally mean I wasted 18 years of my life on a career that ultimately returned nothing to me. It's the definition of a lose lose situation
But... the idea of not having to hear "the group expects two in at all times during the winter surge." Is the equivalent to the sweetest of honey on the tongue. "One day" I whisper.
So this is where I find myself, stuck in a job that I used to love; surrounded by leadership that see's our concerns as nothing but complaints and toxicity and has even gone so far as to directly accuse us as NCO's of being bad examples to our airman because we have the nerve to question why we're breaking our backs and cutting corners to satisfy unrealistic expectations.
As this series of... I don't know, journal entries? goes on, I'll try to give more context. Suffice it to say I can't be specific when it comes to certain persons, places, or things because as AD military members, we have free speech but it's also restricted.